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literature
Sleep
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Literature Text
My hold in reality is slipping away, as far as possible
My mind is diminishing minute by minute
My sight becomes blurry
Silence makes my world goes blank
Then suddenly the world go black
My mind is diminishing minute by minute
My sight becomes blurry
Silence makes my world goes blank
Then suddenly the world go black
______________________________________________
poem prompt for me:
1. sleep
2. fool
3. captured
4. The reality of things we want to hide
5. Poisonous Love
this is loosely base on me and my life on the moment.
poem prompt for me:
1. sleep
2. fool
3. captured
4. The reality of things we want to hide
5. Poisonous Love
this is loosely base on me and my life on the moment.
© 2012 - 2024 yamski
Comments6
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I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
Firstly, I like how you have portrayed the prompt. However, I feel that it is a bit cliché.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza
L = Line
L1 - Slipping should not have a capital
L3 - 'gets' should be 'becomes'
L4 - 'goes' should be 'go' or 'become'
General
While at times it is a stylistic choice, I do feel that punctuation would greatly add to this piece. It would improve readability as well as the flow. It's especially important for such a short poem to have rhythm and flow to it.
I feel that the impact of this piece is lost in the cliché use of images such as blurry sight and the world going black. While you could be describing someone strangling you, or fading to unconsciousness, I feel that using these metaphors for sleep lessen the impact of the piece.
Good Points
Grammar
Spelling
Points to Work On
Punctuation
Clichés
Jo
Firstly, I like how you have portrayed the prompt. However, I feel that it is a bit cliché.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = LineL1 - Slipping should not have a capital
L3 - 'gets' should be 'becomes'
L4 - 'goes' should be 'go' or 'become'
GeneralWhile at times it is a stylistic choice, I do feel that punctuation would greatly add to this piece. It would improve readability as well as the flow. It's especially important for such a short poem to have rhythm and flow to it.
I feel that the impact of this piece is lost in the cliché use of images such as blurry sight and the world going black. While you could be describing someone strangling you, or fading to unconsciousness, I feel that using these metaphors for sleep lessen the impact of the piece.
Good PointsGrammar
Spelling
Points to Work OnPunctuation
Clichés
Jo